Amount Outstanding
Dear Mr Price
Regarding your overdue payment of £8.41 on your Bookclub account from last November, we have as yet received no payment to clear this account. If we do not receive payment on receipt of this letter we will be forced to take legal action.
Regards / D. Tarrant
Dear Mr Tyrant
(sorry – my spelldcheck uis not woking)
Despite that I found the book extremely disappointing, I have nevertheless sent overdue payment when it was not actually overdue. So, as it was paid when it was due, there has never been an overdue amount on my account and your letter is therefore redundant. Bit like the plot of the book.
Dear Mr Price
As yet there is still no record of payment. If this account continues to remain in arrears we shall have no choice put to suspend it and put the matter in the hands of our legal department.
Dear Mr Tart
(sorry – the letter ‘n’ is not working)
Much as I hate repeating myself, other than when I have trapped wind, I will indulge your blind stupidity for just the length of time it takes to say what I said in my last letter … I HAVE PAID THIS AMOUNT! Please check your records more thoroughly, if in fact you keep records, and get back to me when you are ready to offer a grovelling apology.
Dear Mr Price
I have now received your letter claiming that payment has been made on this account. However our records indicate that this is not the case. Your account has therefore been passed into the hands of the legal department who will pursue you for the full amount outstanding through the county court. This action will incur additional costs to yourself. We regret this action has been necessary. You may provide proof to the legal department, or the county court at a later stage, if you still insist that you have made payment, but we would need to see absolute evidence of payment in order to defer legal action pending investigation.
Dear Mr Twat
(sorry I can not correct that typo as I have run out of Tippex)
On my way to an appointment the other day I passed a homeless man in a shop doorway – which seemed ironic since he clearly didn’t have enough money to go shopping – and he asked me if I had any loose change. I pointed out that all of my change was loose, since the royal mint does not see fit to glue coins together, a feeble witticism which was wasted as he gazed greedily upon the handful of coins I was sorting through...
...Evidently the “price of a cuppa tea mate” has now gone up to £4.50! On my way back from the appointment the same homeless man asked me again if I had any loose change. I pointed out that I had already given him £4.50 the last time I passed. He said “don’t think so mate – never seen ya before” … and so I reminded him of our earlier meeting and the new collection of empty cider bottles in his lap. His reply was “you got any proof?” – at which point I recognised the tart aroma of fresh vomit, and, pointing to the sick stain on his coat I said, “Yes . . . I paid for that!”...
...Now, since I have been in this ludicrous situation once already this week with a desperate homeless man, I am assuming that the World Book Guild must be equally desperate for the price of a 'cuppa tea mate', and that the only way you will stop pestering me to pay the same amount twice is for me to prove that the payment has been made once. So...
...Please find enclosed my last fiscal year’s accounts, provided by my accountant, along with all of my receipts for recent purchases. I trust you can do the maths and figure out that the £8.50 shown on last month’s statement as
PAYMENT TO WRITER’S BOOK GUILDis sufficient proof that your accounting incompetence is paralleled only by your stupidity in threatening me with a £30 county court action which you will inevitably lose in your vain attempt to recover £8.50 . . . which you’ve already had...
...Hey, listen, thank God I don’t have to prove payment I make to everybody, or the cost of posting statements and receipts would exceed the cost of the bills! I trust you will find the enclosed proof satisfactory and that I can put these night-terrors behind me. I have a recurring dream that TESCO have written to say they have no record of my last ten years’ supermarket bills, and that to prevent court action I will have to prove that I didn’t sneak past the till operator with an overflowing basket 520 times!
Dear Mr Price
Due to the heavy traffic of data flow on our system, I must regrettably inform you that we have recently suffered a major computer error. Please disregard all previous communication regarding this matter.
D. Tarrant
Dear Mr Tit
(sorry I’m rushing)
I already have.
May I suggest you use a notepad and pen in future?
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